Good Intentions

And you know what they say about them. So do you really think it is true? That the road to hell is paved with them?
I really do have the best intentions with everything.
I have the intention to be a great (not good mind you, I can do that in my sleep) mother. I think I am a great when it comes to normal "raising". My kids are clean, fed, clothed, very well behaved IMO . Our house in sanitary 90% of the time. I don't want to be good, I am talking WONDERFUL. That is my intention. Bake my own bread, quilt, 3 delicious meals a day, read bedtime stories every night, prayer, scripture study, family home evening, playing games, taking them places, teaching them to sew, cook, plant a garden, work hard, be all around good people. They are all going to go to college (hopefully) and have careers where they aren't worried about money all the time like we are. (It totally sucks.)

I have every intention of being a terrific friend. Invite them over for BB Q's. Take them dinner when they are sick. Have the intuition to call them "just because" and find out they were having a terrible day and I brightened it. Listen. Start a play group for our kids. (and learn to like other people's kids). Send out lots of "good mail" and e cards to my far away friends. Start a dinner swap (been meaning to do that for weeks).

I have the intention of making up my mind about what I want to do with my life once all the kids are in school. Is it more important for me to get to a point where I can have a career and make money? Or to a point where I feel like I can breath enough to become that wonderful mother mentioned above? What is more important? I know for a fact that I am sick and tired of worrying about what is going to happen if Jared even misses one week of work. It would be catastrophic. Seriously, out -on- the- street -with- no -food catastrophic. I am sick of that looming over my head all the time. But then I read the prophets talks about how important it is for the mother to be in the home and I get confused. I would not be going to work so that we could buy a boat or drive a fancy car (oh man we SO need a new car). I would be going to work so that if the hot water heater went out we would be able to replace it. KWIM? Right now I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am unable to receive answers to prayers.

I really want to learn how to DO something. Painting, sewing, photography, sign language. Something. I need a hobby that doesn't consist of me sitting on my keister. And something that isn't expensive. Maybe even play the piano? Except I don[t have a piano. I want to feel like I am good at something. That I have a talent. I feel so talentless. I need to do something about that. That is my intention.

I have every intention of losing 20-25 pounds, but I have also baked two Texas sheet cakes in the last week (yes 2!) trying to be a good wife and mother. Oh and buttermilk syrup, trying to use up the buttermilk I bought for the sheet cake. And you have to make waffles to go with the syrup. Twice. You would think my intention was to gain 20 pounds. Oh and I need to exercise. I intend to, tomorrow. And when tomorrow comes I never do.

There are a ton of other things that I intend to do, but don't. I'm not sure If I am lazy. Can't figure out how? Too shy or insecure , nervous, apprehensive, self-doubting, anxious to put myself out there? What is my problem???? How do I start doing what I intend? I do not want to continue on this "road to hell". I need help and suggestions.